Friday, November 13, 2009

"No Solicitors"

The holiday season of a post-recession economy seems to have boosted solicitors' confidence.

A recent spate of door-to-door solicitations in my neighborhood has me thinking of new ways to say "No" to solicitors' offerings, on the rare occasions that I open the door. Last week the second of the slew of solicitors arrived, this one selling carpet cleaning services. When he told me about his service, I responded, "No thanks. I don't have carpets," expecting the conversation to end.

He said, "We clean rugs, too."
I replied, "I don't have rugs."
He pressed, "We clean floors, too."
I countered, "Actually, I don't even have floors."
Proving his IQ to be no more than 32, he responded, "OK. But what is that you're standing on?"
"Implants," I replied, feigning an embarrassed expression. "They're fake."

Later that afternoon on a break from work, I took the dog for a walk and saw two tall young white guys dressed in sharp-looking, baggy hip-hop style clothes. White gloves hung out of their back pockets and bounced with each step of the mens' matching hip-hop gaits. An hour earlier, they'd come to my house; I didn't answer the door.

Spotting me on the sidewalk across the street from the house they were soliciting, one of the men stepped of the home's front porch, turned around, stepped down the home's front lawn and called out, "Well! Hello, Miss! How are you today?"

I kept walking, smiled breifly in their direction and replied definitively.

"Hi! I'm doing great, thanks," I said cheerily, then turned and continued walking away adding, "Have a great day!"

Instant conversation-stopper.

I can't wait for the window-washers to arrive. I'll respond, in a tone that indicates paranoid superstitions, "No! Not window washing! I don't believe in cleaning my windows. When the glass is clean, the evil spirits get in!"

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